The Devil Pepper

DEVIL!!For those of you who know me, it is well known that spicy food and I get along.  Ask my friend Craig about being the “Jalepeno King” in Senor Flavel’s class in high school.  Ask my friend Jacob about the hot wing eating contest and how my mouth was so blistered and my eyes were so swollen that he had to drive me home.  Ask my old supervisor Zach about who loves his chili!  The point is, I love spicy food.  I recently read that spicy food such as peppers can help raise your metabolism naturally which is a bonus.  Well, tonight my wife made some orange chicken that included red chili peppers.  I didn’t eat the orange chicken, but I did pull a red chili pepper out of the pan.  And that is when I met…


Being the manly-man that I am, I checked for the fattest, largest looking pepper I could find in the pan.  And I found it.  I have eaten red chili peppers for a snack before so I figured it would be no problem and just popped it into my mouth.  I then sat down at the computer and started to play a little Texas Hold ‘Em.  It wasn’t too long before it happened.

I suddenly felt my tongue quickly warm up, and then continue to warm up.  It felt like it was never going to stop.  I could have sworn that this little pepper had crawled back up my throat, lit a fire in the center of my tongue, and ran back down my throat as the fire spread through my mouth.  I said a few choice words and my wife looked at me and started laughing.  Apparently, my face was about as red as the pepper was.  I told my daughter to get the milk and she poured me a couple of glasses while I chugged them down.

Now, I don’t know where I read that milk was something good to use to help “cool” your mouth… but I’ve decided it’s a lie.  If it never has been said that it is good to use, I’ve now proven that theory.  All that happened was a minuscule second of relief before the Devil Pepper through gasoline on the remaining flames, spreading them further and hotter.

By this time, I could barely keep my eyes open because they were watering so bad.  I probably looked like my puppy had just died (thank goodness my wife isn’t quick with the camera) I was so flushed and teary-eyed.  While the tears were streaming down my face, I grabbed a loaf of bread and shoved a piece into my mouth.

Now, I don’t know where I read that that bread was something good to use to help “cool” your mouth… but I’ve been lied to again.  If you’ve ever been really, really hot and wanted to be an idiot and covered yourself in as many blankets as possible, this is about the same thing.  It’s like my tongue was sitting in front of the fireplace and I decided to throw the thickest, heaviest quilt on it.  It just got worse.

Well, suffices to say, I eventually wore the flames down and the pain subsided.  The flushed face went away, the teary eyes and runny nose left, and I was able to perform my Texas Hold ‘Em duties yet again.  But I will never forget the day I met the Devil Pepper.

And I’m really worried about what’s going to happen after I digest it…


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